Friday, March 15, 2013

Et TU Felis?

Kittehs! It is the Day to Beware! Today IS teh KittIDES of March!

That sneaky, double-crossing day when a certain Mr. Caesar scoffed at advice to stay home, preferable Under Teh Bed.  And look where it got him. One minute; calmly going about his Dictatorial Duties, ruling with his blissfully ignorant iron fist.  The next; WHAMMO! 60 of his best homies taking him out.  23 times.
I gotta say, I am a sucker for this kind of dastardly planning.  So in honor of teh day, will share wif you my upcoming plots and schemes to deal with my many Enemies of the State and the Repressive Regimes that try to keep Sparky Spitfire down.  But not for long my friends.  Not for long...
First up - I deal wif teh Goggie Next Door.Mr. Yappy in his natural habitat I will start teh day by sauntering along the top of the fence line, close enuff to work Mr. Yaptastic into a lather of dog spit and bark-osity.  then, i will leap onto his trash cans and pretend to break my leg, or somefing.  when he lunges (as much as stubby little legs can lunge) for my throat, I shall bounce, effortlessly, off his fluffy head, knocking over all the trash cans.  Then, while he's distracted by the opportunity to trash pick,  I will prance around his yard and  look for my missing cat nip mousie. I'm pretty sure I buried it in the sand box a while ago.  
Score: Sparky - 1 catnip mousie.  Mr. Yappy - 1 "bad dog! don't eat the trash!" scolding
Next up - the Doors.  Why, on earf, would anyone build a house wif doors that shut on the wrong side of me?  Honestly.  It's like a conspiracy. Today, I will scratch a Sparky sized hole in each and every door.  Kitchen cabinets too.  I'm pretty sure I figured out the portable circular saw.  pffffftttt. If Mr. Whatsisname can get it to works, so can I. 
Score: Sparky - Ultimate Unlimited Unrestricted Roaming Privileges.  Mr. Whatsisname - clean up.
Next - The Evil Squirrel Cabal.  Why, you little...I swear to COD I'm going to get you one of these days.  Look at them - screeching at me, the little fur pigeons.  I especially hate that one that moons me from the branch directly across from the bedroom window.  Hey! I can climb trees too, you know! Oh! No you didn't! You didn't just throw that nut at me, did you? you flea-bag gangsta, just you wait...dang. They move fast. 
Score: tie.
finally - the biggest Opressor of them all - Mrs.  Whatsername, Dictator Perpetuo.  Were you aware that I am no longer allowed outside at night? At all?  And that she sleeps soundly through all my polite and subtle hints that the party is just getting started at 3:00 am?  did you know? well.  there is only so much a kitteh can take.
That is why, tonight, I will sharpen my clawsies as I watch her closely...waiting for just the right moment - that interval of teh sleep cycle when she drifts off on a puffy cloud to dream land wif someone called Johnnie thanks to Temple of Cats for the picture! (not, let me repeat, NOT Mr. Whatsisname) and then CRASH! Oh. I'm sorry.  Did you need that mirror?  well, mebbe not.  mebbe i did you a favor.  frankly, you are not aging quite as nicely as Mr. Deep, you knows. 21 Jump street is sooooooo last century, woman, and so are you. Oh! how's that? you are tired of all my lip? fine. let me out.   
score: Sparky - 1 mighty blow for truth and justice.  Mrs. Whatsername: 1 cold sobering splash of reality
Okay, Kittehs! as you can see, I have another bizy day.  WHAT will you be doing today, my Co-Conspirators?  What eva it is, make sure it's a good and fiendish.  Vive La Revolution!


Timmy Tomcat said...

Hoo-Cat Sparky great job hosting this get together of Fiendish Felines. Your Mom may like that Pirate acting dood but has she seen Richard Greico since the Street? He played Loki in Almighty Thor. It was soooo bad... That would cause her nightmares maybe and keep her up to open the door. Just a thought. Anyhow! Thanks Cat!

The Florida Furkids said...

Thanks for hosting this fun event!! We're laffin' at your Mom and Johnnie....he looks a different!

Raz and The Florida Furkids

Cherry City Kitties said...

dude, you sound a little pent-up...
We pitty 'da fool, who dares cross you!
Harry, Dexter and Tipp

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Yikes! You really do plot!

Hannah and Lucy said...

Oh dear I was a little bit scared at that pirate.
Luv Lucy xx

Alasandra, The Cats and Dogs said...

MOL, we love it!!!!! You are one devious kitty